My Heart Stopped the Moment I Found out Yours Did…

“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.” – David Platt

The most difficult burden I have ever endured is the loss of my child. The most hardening and possibly the loneliest part of this burden, is the disappointing fact that I suffer in silence. Because God forbid I place that burden on others. God forbid I place a dark cloud over their day, even if it’s just for a brief moment.

This experience as shown me the ugliest parts of “humanity.” The way people overlook and ignore my grief. I had a missed miscarriage, and somehow people feel that my grief is not valid. The way people get so uncomfortable that they think it is acceptable to change the subject. Because they lack the “proper” words to say to me. Or maybe because their responses can be so cold, it’s enough to break your heart repeatedly in a split second. I’ve been told that it was not even a “baby” yet. I’ve been told that I can always try again. I’ve been told that at least I am capable of becoming pregnant. Or my personal favorite, (rolls eyes), “Everything happens for a reason.” Lol. Are you kidding me? I feel SO much better now, thank you! That amount of pain in such a short period of time after hearing responses like this…I would never wish that on anyone. I try to keep my composure when I hear things like this. I might even agree at the moment, when honestly, I just want to rip the person’s head off with my bare hands. I would never wish this on anyone. I pray no one experiences what I have experienced. But unfortunately, it happens so often. 1 in 4 women to be exact, according to various statistics. Yet, it is still considered taboo…in 2019…mind blowing. And women around the world are forced to suffer in silence as they question their self worth, unable to do the one thing a woman’s body was created to do.

Yesterday, I would have been 14 weeks. I would have been announcing my healthy pregnancy. I would have been planning a gender reveal. My belly would have been growing at a rapid rate. I would have felt my baby move. I would have talked to my belly. Put headphones to my belly just to see how my precious baby would have reacted to different genres of music. All of this would have happened in a perfect world. But instead, I was at my annual exam discussing birth control because I am not ready to try again. Because the fear of experiencing this again is crippling. Because I wish I could just move one from this and continue to live my life. It’s surreal. Sometimes I forget, and I’m okay. And other times, I am reminded. Scrolling through my timeline and I come across a video of a gender reveal. Shit. Fulfilling my HR duties and sending a staff announcement to congratulate a couple on their new addition to the family. Here comes the waterworks. A day in the park, as the children carelessly run and laugh with joy. My heart. A celebration of a 1st birthday party. What an amazing blessing. I am constantly reminded and it feels as if the wind is knocked out of me. Every. Single. Time. But I should just “get over it,” right?

I’ve been through some pretty difficult times in my life and I usually overcome them. I suppose this situation should be no different. But it hurts different. It changes the very core of who you are. It questions your faith, your existence, and your reasoning for all things. I’m not sure if I will ever get over it. I’m not sure if I ever want to forget. What I do know is that I will continue to spread awareness. For the women who can’t speak up. For the women who feel alone. For the women who is currently going through this horrible situation brought on by unfortunate circumstances, with no control or choice. For all of the people who think this is easy, simply because they judge what they do not understand. Because it matters. Whether it was a miscarriage or a stillbirth, it matters. PREGNANCY LOSS MATTERS. My baby mattered. And I will grieve for however long it takes. I will not apologize for it. I will always talk about it. I will never stop caring. NEVER. My grief is valid. Women, our grief is valid. And I am so sorry that we have to deal with the stigma and cruelty from our peers. I pray there are better days ahead of us. I pray there is life after death. I pray that we find ways to heal. Ways to honor our babies. We don’t have to be alone in this.

I refuse to suffer in silence.

Author: Angie Soul

Like a lotus flower, I emerge from dark, murky waters to reveal my beauty. Feeling and healing on this journey of life; glowing and flowing. I have always loved writing, but it has taken me 29 trips around the sun before I had to confidence to share publicly. I hope my writing, which is near and dear to my heart, sparks light and love in others.

15 thoughts on “My Heart Stopped the Moment I Found out Yours Did…”

  1. Ang,
    😢😭 This was so beautifully written. Your pain will not go in vain my love. Your voice thru your struggles will help others who feel so alone in this same situation. Keep writing & speaking your truth. This is some powerful stuff. I’m proud of you.

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  2. I literally cried at work 😭😭 Exactly what Sohpie said. You are courageous and have the voice others may not speak of. I love you boo, and also proud of you.

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  3. I truly admire you !

    No one will understand unless you’ve been there and even then every situation is so different. I believe you’ve accomplished more than most of us have and speaking up about it.

    You’re brave, strong & I’m proud of you. ❤️

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    1. I don’t feel brave or strong 😩 but thank you so much love 💜 I hope others find comfort in this post and realize that they are not alone, although it may feel incredibly lonely.

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  4. Lil seester I’ve told you never suffer in silence or hold anything in. We are here for you day or night. I think you should plant the tree with a ribbon on it n name it for your baby. Your baby matters n always will n maybe not now but when you & Sid are ready you will try again n that new baby will know about your baby in heaven who lives in ur heart always. Cry when you need to n by no means feel guilty when you are having fun. Because your baby is always with you. He makes you stronger by the day Lil momma n will always keep you going. Love you to the moon & beyond😍😘🥰🥰

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  5. OMG! Such a touching heartbreaking story! I admire you for taking this step in writing your trials and tribulations and most of all your feelings on everything that took place. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I’ve gone through 2. Prior to having my daughter, doctors told me ( at the age of 15) that there is a possibility of never having children or have sever complications. I know your pain very well and those pain never really go away! You just live your life and it diminishes from your mind but never from your heart. I see how recent this was and if you ever need anything comfort or talks I am 100% here, even though we just kinda met lol

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    1. Wow. First, I want to thank you for being so kind and offering emotional support 💜 that is absolutely amazing coming from a stranger because even people who are near and dear to my heart are uncomfortable with the subject. I am so sorry that you went through 2. I can’t even imagine how painful it must have been to go through that more than once. Although my pregnancy was not planned, I love my little peanut and will always cherish him (I’ve always believed he was a boy). Will not be trying again until after my wedding next year, but I am hoping for the best. Thank you for reading. I deeply appreciate your kind words.

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      1. Angie, just wanted to let you know I am Yampa Intl gf lol and I am super happy for your up coming wedding and at least that is something beautiful and exciting to look forward to. I had a miscarriage after my daughter and after my so 2 years ago. But seeing you in person you are a strong beautiful women inside out. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day. Hope to see you again soon. 😊

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  6. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that can take your suffering away or even reduce it. Time does not heal all wounds. It is a wound you will carry for life and anyone who loves you should support you in your grief. People tend to shy away from conversations in which they don’t have a clue what to say. It sux but it’s true.
    I lost my baby just shy of 39 years ago. Has it gotten easier? In some ways. I’m 57 and much time has passed so I don’t think about it everyday like I used to. For years I had vivid dreams of going into labor and giving birth. My baby would be whisked away never to be seen again. My dreams were so real and intense that I would wake up with the worst stomach ache ever. I never told a soul about those dreams. I suffered in silence for years. My reason is a bit different from yours but the suffering is the same. You see, I was 17 and terrified of my father. He decided I would have an abortion. I had no say in the matter. He made me stay the night at his house and he took me that morning. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I didn’t talk about it for many years because even though it was my dad’s decision, I felt like a murderer in my heart. I don’t stand in judgement of any woman who has an abortion because I don’t walk in her shoes, but for me, I felt like a murderer. My suffering in silence caused me to attempt suicide more than 10 times. Do not suffer in silence, please. There are support groups and you will probably be able to get a lot of support here.
    It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong and there is no need for you to suffer alone. It is a very real loss. Your body feels that loss. It’s not just emotional. I rarely talk about this but your story moved me. I will be thinking about you and I’m here if you need me. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. This was such a real, encouraging, and beautiful comment to read. I am so sorry you had to endure what you did so long ago. Grief has no expiration date and I am not sure when it won’t hurt THIS much. But I am remaining hopeful and allowing myself to process and feel all emotions. Your kind words are greatly appreciated and hold more impact than you’ll ever know. Thank you again.

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