So originally, I had a COMPLETELY different topic to write about in mind. I am free-styling this post and if anything seems confusing or contradicting, please do not hesitate to reach out for clarification. BUT after a chain of events over the past few days, plus a little hard-core self-reflection, paired with an intriguing conversation I had with my fiancé and his best friend this morning, I felt compelled to write about this topic, generally. THE EGO. The ego is defined as a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. In spirituality, the ego can be an obstruction to enlightenment. To break it down even further, enlightenment is nirvana (absolute pure bliss and non-attachment). If we absolutely want to be honest with ourselves, we are all guilty of ego. Guilty of rearing its ugly head. Guilty of reacting off the ego. Guilty of validating our feelings, emotions, reactions, or any bad habits because of it. But at some point, when do we call bullshit? When do we call ourselves out and nip it in the bud? When do we stop thinking this is appropriate, and consciously try to change this within ourselves? Along with these questions, comes more daunting questions that seem to cause anxiety within me…how long will this transformation take place, and at what cost?
After my blog about the importance of self-care, I decided to put my money where my mouth is. You know, practice what I preach. This past weekend I tried to do more things that I found enjoyable. For example, laying by the pool. I said no to events that I did not want to go to. I stayed home, blasted music, and danced around. I stressed the importance of enjoying my own company. I was off to a good start, right? Well, I failed to think about the way I reacted to certain situations, was also a form of self-care. And let me tell you, I failed MISERABLY in that department. What started out as a minor disagreement with my fiancé, turned into a full fledged pity fest by the end of the weekend. It left me broken, drained, and full of wallowing. Throughout the whole situation, I focused on MY feelings, MY pain, how I felt certain events should have been handled. My ego was so provoked, so agitated, and very ugly. It was not a proud moment of mine. And with that, surfaced feelings of past events and pain. My ego would not allow me to let it go. It would not allow me to move on from my anger. It turned a mini argument into a whole unnecessary evaluation of my relationship. Then it transformed into a self-evaluation where I spent way too much time loathing myself. At the time I focused on the hurtful things my fiancé said to me in those moments because he spoke out of anger, but, I cannot take responsibility for what he does. I must take responsibility for my own actions.
That Monday night was the beginning of a new moon in Gemini. But more specifically, it was a dark moon. A dark moon signifies endings to cycles. It allows energies to be cleared to make way for new, fulfilling energy. (Side note: I’m into astrology and spirituality. I am not an expert, but I know a few things. If anyone would like me to dive deeper into these topics in future blogs, please let me know). I decided to mediate that night. I was intentional of what I wanted to let go. Using Palo Santo, I was intentional of detoxing. Clearing all negativity. I played high vibrational music and focused on what was bothering me internally. I prayed for clarity. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed to rid the blockage in my chakras. I was surrounded by my crystals, incense, the light gleaming from my salt lamp, and music that seemed to drown out my surroundings the deeper I fell into my meditation. After 20 minutes, I grabbed my journal. It felt as if I was possessed; my writing poured out of me. My hands cramping and scribbling across the pages, the main message was evident- IT IS NOT OKAY TO SELF DESTRUCT. I have allowed my ego to be destructive, and in turn, it caused me pain. In the end, no one holds that power but yourself.
I’ve allowed my “self-importance” to play victim, instead of using it positively and effectively. I’m learning that people will hurt you. They will do unjust things to you. They will respond unfavorably, but how YOU react is your ultimate power. In my recent experience, and based off the conversation I had this morning, my ego has been destructive. It has blocked my happiness, and possibly my blessings. I am aware. My feelings and emotions are not more important than someone else’s. I am learning. And please understand as I write this, my transformation for the better good is not complete. I am growing. I hope I’ve sparked something internally in all who read this, not to punish and criticize yourselves, but to look deep and recognize that at times, you may be the problem. How can you change this for the better? What steps to do you need to take to change this? And most importantly, what good will come from taking those steps? Stay light, my friends. Be kind to yourselves. Don’t be afraid to do the work. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to be honest with yourselves without the bias. May the rest of your week be filled with infinite good vibes.