Sex on the First Date: Battle of the Choices

Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.

Marquis de Sade

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free…

SHUT THE EFF UP. Take your opinions, place those opinions on a spiked bat, and shove the bat up your… *breathes deep* I despise this phrase. Why? First of all, it places ‘price tags’ on women as if we are objects instead of human beings. I believe I speak for all women when I say, we cannot be bought. This is not rent to own. There will be no owning, PERIOD! Second of all, it has placed unnecessary insecurities and shame amongst generations of women. So much so, that several women actually question their worth and wonder if they are relationship worthy. They wonder if men will think any less of them for expressing themselves sexually and allowing intercourse to occur on the first date. And can you blame these women for their insecurities? Slut shaming and other demoralizing ways of attacking a woman’s character has been the norm for decades. Third of all, it has placed rules on an action that comes so naturally to us all, men AND women. Why is it better to wait for date #3 to have sex as opposed to the first date? It’s not like you know that person that much more extensively. It’s still a short amount of time in comparison! Trust me, takes YEARS to fully get to know someone. And having sex on the first date does not mean that you will automatically get ghosted. Yet, these misconceptions continue to focus on repressing female sexuality causing many women to feel confused as to what is considered the ‘right’ thing to do. Don’t get me wrong- I am not advocating that all women should have sex on the first date. However, I feel that every woman is entitled to make this decision without judgment from others.

What constitutes as a date?

Personally, I feel any time that is scheduled with another person one on one with the intent of spending time solely with that person, would be considered a date. Can be as elaborate as making reservations at the top restaurant in town or as simple as Netflix and Chill (although this method makes it super tempting to have sex right away!). Honestly, there’s no rules to this shit. You’re attracted to a person, you make a move to hang out, then 9 times out of 10, it’s a date. But of course, if it is established that the hang out is solely for sex, then consider it a booty call…I guess. Oh, the technicalities.

You think you want to have sex on the first date…

You meet this guy. You both go out to dinner. He’s f**king beautiful. He smells good. His sense of style is on point. Conversation is bomb. He seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. He has ideas, input, SUBSTANCE. The chemistry is unmatched. And by the time the bill comes around and he automatically reaches to pay, you’re hot and heavy and wondering what it’s like under the hood. Go for it! I am a firm believer in energy. If the energy feels right, then why not? More often than not, sex is a strong indicator of the connection between two people. Sex plays an important role within any healthy relationship and allows intimacy to flourish. Making this decision should not diminish your chances of forming a long-term relationship, but only contribute to whether or not you could potentially see a future with this person. As long as the feeling is mutual and consensual, don’t overthink it. It’s all about your own comfort levels. And if you decide to take the plunge, I HIGHLY encourage that you use protection. You may know that the chemistry is amazing but you do not know him. Safe sex is still the wave sis.

You’re against the idea of first date sex…

Honestly, that’s okay too! There are many reasons why women decide not to have sex on a first date. Some women want to get to know the person a little more and build a comfort level before sharing intimacy with them. Some request that their partner get tested before sexual intercourse (smart!). Others feel that sex is enhanced once there are solid, romantic and emotional feelings towards their partners, so they rather wait for that connection. There should not be any form of reverse shaming for deciding to wait either. We are all entitled to making the best decisions for ourselves and our bodies and spirits, dependent on whatever circumstances. This choice should be yours and yours only! If you are not comfortable or have any doubts, then listen to your gut feelings. Deciding not to have sex right away should also not diminish your chances of forming a long lasting relationship.

My stance on having sex on the first date…

I’m totally for it! Every time? No. But there has been certain situations where I felt I connected with my date on so many levels and felt extreme attraction to this person, so I went for it. Most times I did not regret it lol. Other times, I ran for the hills and became Casper- the UNFRIENDLY ghost. Super ghosted. And I NEVER feel ashamed, whatever the outcome. I am a grown woman who enjoys sex. I am in charge of my own emotions and body, and I am fully capable of making decisions that I feel 100% comfortable making. When I made a decision to do so, I practiced safe sex and would regularly get tested. Granted my dating days are long gone now…someone found me worthy *insert upside down smiley face emoji* Just goes to show you, a decision like this won’t ruin your chances of finding love and commitment.

What is your choice?

I am curious to hear from all of you. Calling all ladies! Do you believe in having sex on the first date? What are some of your reasons behind this decision? Or are you completely against it? Why? I would love to hear some male perspectives as well. Do you think less of a woman when she has sex on the first date? Do you automatically label her as someone you are unwilling to form a relationship with? Let’s bridge the gap and start a real conversation about this. Looking forward to all of your feedback and stories. Stay assertive, friends.

For more content, please follow me on Instagram at @ang_meets_soul

Make Moves: When it’s Time to Escape a Toxic Relationship.

“We teach people how to treat us.” —

Dr. Phil

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression all wrapped in one like a toxic ass burrito. Order up!

You find yourself questioning your worth. The person you see in the mirror is unrecognizable. Every aspect of you is under a microscope, every detail scrutinized. You lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, questioning what you can do to better this miserable situation. Can you actually do more than what you have already been doing? Honey. Here’s some better questions for you to ponder- Are you tired of crying? Are you tired of feeling less than worthy? Are you tired of feeling insecure, belittled, insignificant, and unappreciated? If these questions are feeling like the status quo, you’re in trouble. Feeling like you’ve not only exhausted all possible solutions, but that you have wasted so much time and energy on someone who cannot seem to grasp the weight of your value. Three words: LET IT GO.

I’ve been there. I spent damn near a decade in a situation that I should have walked away from a long time ago. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been called ugly. I’ve been called fat. I’ve been called a bitch. Hell, I’ve been called an ugly, fat bitch. LOL. Not funny, but I can laugh at it now. You would think that there was no element of surprise in that last phrase but boy, did that shit pack a punch to my ego during that time in my life. This man was even ashamed to be seen with me in public. He never wanted to go out together to the club or parties. If it wasn’t something intimate or hidden, I was not allowed to tag along. And despite it all, I STILL stayed. I wasn’t perfect, but I loved hard and was willing to do what was necessary to make it work, including constant forgiveness. It took me 7 years to realize that not only did I not deserve to be in a toxic relationship such as this, but that I simply did not want to do it anymore. It’s crazy how one day you wake up and decide “no more.” It’s as if the fog is finally lifted and you can see the situation clearly for what it is. An epiphany, if you will. But some wounds never fully heal. The baggage is still heavy after half a decade has passed. The insecurities are still there. The first couple of years in my new relationship was a major adjustment. I was conditioned to be jealous, unable to trust, and unable to love unconditionally. Because God forbid, I went through this again. God forbid I allow someone to rob me of my dignity and have me look like a public fool. What did Beyoncé say? “What’s worse, looking jealous and crazy? Or like, being walked all over lately? I rather be crazy.” I hear these lyrics years after my previous relationship and still feel it in the moment I am singing my lungs out along with the song. I was so used to being involved in a toxic relationship that I didn’t even recognize what a healthy relationship should look like. My scars run deep. However, each passing day since I walked away from that relationship has been a step closer to healing. To learning new behaviors. To developing trust. To discovering the essence of pure, unconditional love. But I would have never been close to achieving this, or at least working towards this, mentally and spiritually, if I never walked away.

Need help deciding if it’s time to walk away? If you’re even questioning to walk away in the first place, I’d say it’s time. But…

Here are five signs that you are caught in a toxic relationship and need to run to the nearest exit and never return:

1. Lack of Trust.

Trust is everything. A relationship cannot flourish, or even continue on, without trust as a foundation. One of the biggest signs that there is no trust in a relationship is if you find yourself going through your partner’s phone. I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it. Overall, it’s a very lame thing to do (sorry ladies, I am on your side). And if you find yourself doing it, then there is definitely a lack of trust. I don’t care how much you try to sugarcoat your reasoning behind it.

2. Hostile Environment.

Granted, during arguments, voices can be raised and hurtful things may be said. However, if it takes less to nothing to upset your partner to the point of intense anger and hostility, this may be a warning sign. There should be no reason why you partner gets so angry to the point that he or she is disrespecting your space, your character, or even violating you physically in any way, shape, or form. A hostile environment is not only unhealthy, but it’s everything else but love. Not to mention, it is unacceptable for you to feel unsafe in your relationship.

3. Hella Disrespectful.

This is a given. In a relationship, whether it’s romantic or not, respect has to be at the top of the priority list. Calling you out of your name, belittling your opinions and character, putting you down in front of others, or even the slightest sign of disrespect towards your loved ones. If this sounds familiar in your relationship, why haven’t you created an escape plan yet? Disrespect should not be tolerated. Raise that bar for yourself.

4. Control Issues.

No person should be delegating what you should or should not do. Opinions are welcomed, but it should never negatively affect your relationship. I’ll never forget when I was dating this one guy and he actually got upset because I was hanging out with my friends that day. Not that we had plans!!! But I wasn’t sitting at home, talking on phone all day to him. And somehow, that completely pissed him off. Yeah. I’ve never made a quicker exit. Control is not only a sign of a mentally abusive partner, but it opens a gateway of which toxic traits become acceptable.

5. Mind Games and Manipulation.

Oh, the manipulation. It’s a quality, or lack of I should say, that I despise the most. Because this person actually believes that they can pull the wool over your eyes and insult your intelligence. And sometimes, it can actually work! Trying to influence your opinion negatively to justify their own, disregarding your feelings, twisting words you say to defend their own argument, or simply acting like they are clueless as to why you are feeling a particular way despite your many efforts to explain this, are all signs of manipulation. The moment you begin questioning yourself and find yourself overcompensating to keep the peace or changing your views to please the other party, then you are caught up in the game. The question is are you going to remain in this web of manipulation or will you decided game over?

If you continue to accept the toxicity…

I understand it may be difficult to walk away from any relationship. You may love this person, despite how harmful they are. You may feel comfortable and the thought of starting over completely rattles your core. Or maybe, you actually believe that you are not worthy of a better relationship. I get it. For a very long time, I actually believed that no one else would want me. I would think to myself “I’m not pretty enough” or “I’m not skinny enough” or “I’m not interesting enough.” I believed the lies that were fed to me, especially regarding the content of my character, as well as my physical attributes. I can understand how scary it must feel to walk away. But let me tell you what happens if you don’t. You run the risk of completely losing yourself. Your mental health can decline. Your confidence will decline. Even your perception of your own value will decline. And all of these emotions will eat at your soul to the point beyond repair. So which sounds scarier? Losing a person you love, but are not happy with? Or losing yourself and your happiness all together?

You are worthy.

In case, you don’t realize it. In case, no one has told you. In case, you have a hard time believing it. YOU ARE WORTHY. You are worthy of happiness and unconditional love. You are worthy of finding a person who adores you beyond comprehension, even when you’re displayed in the most unfavorable light. You are worthy of being in a relationship that practices trust, understanding, and compassion. You are worthy of feeling safe, not only with your body, but with your mind and heart. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, is not worthy of being in your life. Because relationships, whether romantic or platonic, should feel uplifting. Maybe not 100% of the time because we are all human and capable of making mistakes, but 80% of the time should be the norm. The good should outweigh the bad. Don’t allow another person to drag you down. Don’t allow another person to destroy your self worth. No person should hold this power. So if you have any inclination that you are involved in a toxic relationship, love yourself more. Walk away. No regrets. Look ahead and search for what your soul craves and needs. Temporary heartache to a journey of everlasting bliss.

Stay strong, friends. Xoxo.

Love is a Choice. PART II.

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”
-Fawn Weaver

We’ve always seemed to be connected in some kind of way. In the same place, around the same times. Our paths having every opportunity to cross, but didn’t. Not until he moved to FL and I met him that one spontaneous night at Peabody’s. I truly believe in divine timing. The universe has this way of placing people in your life for reasons beyond comprehension, and without warning.

I remember the exact date. December 20, 2014. The Christmas party at Jackson’s Bistro. It was a Saturday. We were both running late and scrambling to get to our destination. We get there and he seems right at home. You see, he is not the type to shy away from people. He loves meeting new people and engaging with them. While I on the other hand, shy away and try to hide in the midst of big crowds. He has a gift of making people feel as if they have known him forever. I must admit, at times, I envy this of him. It’s so effortless. But it is also one of the main reasons why I fell in love with him. We had a 3 course meal. The server provided us with wine. I ordered Moscato and he ordered Cabernet. I thought to myself, “how fancy.” Turns out he had not idea how bitter Cabernet can be. Lol. He struggled with each sip. We immersed ourselves in conversation as we ate our steak dinner, and split our desserts- creme brulee and tiramisu. After dinner, we proceeded to the club section to dance. He impressed me by automatically pulling me to dance Bachata…not because he was good lmao but because he had the confidence to do that, and that was attractive to me. He was attentive and genuinely interested in what I had to say, and that was attractive to me. He was a complete gentleman. And yep, THAT was attractive to me. After that night, I saw him in a new light. I wanted to get to know him more. Nothing felt wrong about it. It ALL felt right. So I held my breath and took a leap, blindly, without hesitation.

He hates water parks by the way lol

Our relationship accelerated from there. What turned from daily text messages and nightly calls, quickly turned into spontaneous visits and weekends spend barricaded in my apartment sprinkled with impromptu date nights. It was beautiful. I felt safe and guarded. Like he was going to take the upmost care of my heart. I never felt that before. I was used to being in a constant state of alarm in previous relationships, always anticipating the next heartbreak. But no, this was different. On New Year’s Eve, he told me that he loved me. By mid- January, we were in a committed relationship. By July, we were moving in together. It was an exciting time in my life. Many people doubted us. Many people said we were moving way too fast. But I genuinely felt like this will be the man I marry. And of course, I still feel this way. I am currently engaged, after all. But remember what I said about the dust settling and your feet returning back to the ground? I think this happened right around the time we moved in together. If you ever want to get to know someone, like REALLY get to know someone, flaws and all, cohabitation is the way. This is when I realized that he was not perfect, and neither was I. It became a daily choice to maneuver through the differences. The trials and tribulations. Our relationship is not perfect, but the love will always remain. Sometimes you question if the relationship has changed. If it has morphed into something unrecognizable. It’s a scary thought. One of the roughest years we endured together was 2017. Both of us banging our heads against the wall, scrambling to save our relationship that seemed to unravel right before our eyes…

To Be Continued.

Love is a Choice. PART I.


“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

They say your third love will always be the greatest and most purest. The one you end up with. Your soulmate. Now, I think this is accurate to a certain extent. I am blessed to be experiencing a love like this, one that challenges me daily and encourages me to be the best version of myself. But what I don’t like about this saying is the misconception of a fantasy. The reality is a love like this will sweep you off your feet. But as the dust settles, and you return back on the ground, you will quickly realize that it is a choice to keep nurturing this love. To keep working at it. To continue to put your best effort despite the annoyances and petty arguments. Love is a choice. A choice to accept a person, flaws and all, and continue to love that person even when you do not like them very much at a particular moment. That my friends, is the REAL prize in love, the most vulnerably beautiful part of it.

I never saw him coming. I was at a place in my life that I have given up on the concept of love. Being in a previous relationship for 7 years that seemed to destroy the core of me, mentally and emotionally, I didn’t think I was capable of finding real love. Maybe I wasn’t worthy enough because previous encounters and relationships confirmed these notions. Honestly, at first, I didn’t even give him the time of day.

I met him July 2014. I was working at The Hard Rock Casino. It was a Sunday night and my shift ended at 10:30 PM. I was excited to get off and relax, to begin my “weekend.” My roommate clearly had other plans. Originally, the plan was to go out and sing karaoke. She was dating a guy at the time and he was bringing a friend. I was not feeling the potential of a double date. But she assured me that a mutual friend of ours was tagging along, so that threw off the odds. I remember being so tired that I threw a t shirt and khakis on, wore minimal makeup, and went out just like that. All I wanted to do was throw back some drinks and unwind. The plans changed, karaoke no longer being the goal, and we ended up at a nearby bar called Peabody’s. He had just recently moved from New York and didn’t even have an ID…and we were at a bar…yeah. So most of the night we were bringing drinks outside for him since he couldn’t even step foot inside the bar. Lol. I realized very quickly what he brought to the table- amazing conversation and great vibes. He was a very likable person, very personable. And I STILL didn’t give him the time of day! I automatically placed him in the friend zone. Despite enjoying his company and having a wonderful night in his company. We went to a hookah lounge after and spent hours picking each other’s brains about music and future goals. The next morning he slid in the dm’s and gave me his phone number. I texted him back with my number, and that was that. Throughout the months, he kept in touch, coming out of the blue to check up on me. He seemed to give me just enough space, but popped up enough to remain relevant.

Christmas Party at Jackson’s Bistro
December 2014

It was December 2014. I was planning a Christmas party for the company I worked for. Everyone was allowed to bring a date. Call it pride, ego, whatever, but I couldn’t accept the possibility of going to a party that I had planned, without a date. I wasn’t involved with anyone. But for whatever reason, I immediately thought of him. He was always to cool to talk with. He could keep up with my type of conversation and never seemed to run out of words. He never made me feel uncomfortable and was always respectful. Even if he was just a friend, I thought it would be enjoyable to attend a Christmas party with him. And I was so right. That party we entered as friends, but left as something undefined. He definitely had my attention now. But still, I had NO idea what we were about to become.

To be Continued…