Sex on the First Date: Battle of the Choices

Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.

Marquis de Sade

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free…

SHUT THE EFF UP. Take your opinions, place those opinions on a spiked bat, and shove the bat up your… *breathes deep* I despise this phrase. Why? First of all, it places ‘price tags’ on women as if we are objects instead of human beings. I believe I speak for all women when I say, we cannot be bought. This is not rent to own. There will be no owning, PERIOD! Second of all, it has placed unnecessary insecurities and shame amongst generations of women. So much so, that several women actually question their worth and wonder if they are relationship worthy. They wonder if men will think any less of them for expressing themselves sexually and allowing intercourse to occur on the first date. And can you blame these women for their insecurities? Slut shaming and other demoralizing ways of attacking a woman’s character has been the norm for decades. Third of all, it has placed rules on an action that comes so naturally to us all, men AND women. Why is it better to wait for date #3 to have sex as opposed to the first date? It’s not like you know that person that much more extensively. It’s still a short amount of time in comparison! Trust me, takes YEARS to fully get to know someone. And having sex on the first date does not mean that you will automatically get ghosted. Yet, these misconceptions continue to focus on repressing female sexuality causing many women to feel confused as to what is considered the ‘right’ thing to do. Don’t get me wrong- I am not advocating that all women should have sex on the first date. However, I feel that every woman is entitled to make this decision without judgment from others.

What constitutes as a date?

Personally, I feel any time that is scheduled with another person one on one with the intent of spending time solely with that person, would be considered a date. Can be as elaborate as making reservations at the top restaurant in town or as simple as Netflix and Chill (although this method makes it super tempting to have sex right away!). Honestly, there’s no rules to this shit. You’re attracted to a person, you make a move to hang out, then 9 times out of 10, it’s a date. But of course, if it is established that the hang out is solely for sex, then consider it a booty call…I guess. Oh, the technicalities.

You think you want to have sex on the first date…

You meet this guy. You both go out to dinner. He’s f**king beautiful. He smells good. His sense of style is on point. Conversation is bomb. He seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. He has ideas, input, SUBSTANCE. The chemistry is unmatched. And by the time the bill comes around and he automatically reaches to pay, you’re hot and heavy and wondering what it’s like under the hood. Go for it! I am a firm believer in energy. If the energy feels right, then why not? More often than not, sex is a strong indicator of the connection between two people. Sex plays an important role within any healthy relationship and allows intimacy to flourish. Making this decision should not diminish your chances of forming a long-term relationship, but only contribute to whether or not you could potentially see a future with this person. As long as the feeling is mutual and consensual, don’t overthink it. It’s all about your own comfort levels. And if you decide to take the plunge, I HIGHLY encourage that you use protection. You may know that the chemistry is amazing but you do not know him. Safe sex is still the wave sis.

You’re against the idea of first date sex…

Honestly, that’s okay too! There are many reasons why women decide not to have sex on a first date. Some women want to get to know the person a little more and build a comfort level before sharing intimacy with them. Some request that their partner get tested before sexual intercourse (smart!). Others feel that sex is enhanced once there are solid, romantic and emotional feelings towards their partners, so they rather wait for that connection. There should not be any form of reverse shaming for deciding to wait either. We are all entitled to making the best decisions for ourselves and our bodies and spirits, dependent on whatever circumstances. This choice should be yours and yours only! If you are not comfortable or have any doubts, then listen to your gut feelings. Deciding not to have sex right away should also not diminish your chances of forming a long lasting relationship.

My stance on having sex on the first date…

I’m totally for it! Every time? No. But there has been certain situations where I felt I connected with my date on so many levels and felt extreme attraction to this person, so I went for it. Most times I did not regret it lol. Other times, I ran for the hills and became Casper- the UNFRIENDLY ghost. Super ghosted. And I NEVER feel ashamed, whatever the outcome. I am a grown woman who enjoys sex. I am in charge of my own emotions and body, and I am fully capable of making decisions that I feel 100% comfortable making. When I made a decision to do so, I practiced safe sex and would regularly get tested. Granted my dating days are long gone now…someone found me worthy *insert upside down smiley face emoji* Just goes to show you, a decision like this won’t ruin your chances of finding love and commitment.

What is your choice?

I am curious to hear from all of you. Calling all ladies! Do you believe in having sex on the first date? What are some of your reasons behind this decision? Or are you completely against it? Why? I would love to hear some male perspectives as well. Do you think less of a woman when she has sex on the first date? Do you automatically label her as someone you are unwilling to form a relationship with? Let’s bridge the gap and start a real conversation about this. Looking forward to all of your feedback and stories. Stay assertive, friends.

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Speak My Language: The Five Love Languages

To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. -Tony Robbins

How many of you have ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages? No matter how much you try to understand your partner, and find a way for your partner to understand you as well, it seems like a constant struggle. I’ve been there…shit, sometimes I’m still there if we want to keep it 100% honest! Miscommunication is common and unfortunately, we allow miscommunication to escalate issues within the relationship, rather than finding solutions. Many times miscommunications and above all, assumptions, are due to us not understanding that our partner may speak a different love language than us. What is a love language? Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages, describes this as the way we feel loved and appreciated. Depending on your personality, you may feel and express love differently than your partner does.

The 5 Love Languages are:

  1. Words of Affirmation: This is using words to express your love and build up your partner, verbal compliments, if you will. Things like “you are beautiful” or “I love you so much.” No matter how minimal a compliment may sound, people with this love language will feel appreciated. On the flip side, negative or insulting comments to hurt your partner will leave them with an everlasting grudge, so choose your words wisely!
  2. Acts of Service: This expresses love by doing acts you know your spouse will appreciate. They often require time, thought, and effort. Most importantly, done with positivity and not out of obligation. So for example, cooking for your loved one or doing the laundry.
  3. Receiving Gifts: This is pretty explanatory, but it does not mean it has to be materialistic or grand. Something as small as picking up flowers would fall under this category. However, don’t mistake this with the previous love language- acts of service are purely helpful and lessen the load for your partner.
  4. Quality Time: This expresses love by giving your partner UNDIVIDED attention. So no distractions like smartphones, video games, and so forth. Doesn’t have to be an extravagant date. It can be as simple as having a game night together. Please don’t postpone or cancel this time with your partner; this can negatively impact how secure they feel in a relationship.
  5. Physical Touch: Nothing impacts a person with this love language more than the physical touch of their partner. This does not have to be drastic PDA. It can be as simple as holding hands, cuddling, and kissing. They will feel extremely unloved without physical contact. No gift or compliment will help without the physical touch.

My fiance and I have VERY different love languages. My primary love language is Quality Time. My secondary would be Words of Affirmation. These two love languages seem to be the most common in relationships, according to an article I read in Elite Daily. I love being told I am loved and appreciated; gives me all the fuzzies. But nothing does it to me like some good quality time! Let’s forget everything and just focus on how much we love and value one another. YES, love it. Because of this, I am often the one who plans dates and trips, along with whispering sweet nothings to him lol. However, my fiance’s top love language is Acts of Service. I cannot count how many times he has cooked for me, washed dishes, or folded laundry without me even mentioning it to him. Because our love languages are so different, it has not always been easy to find common ground with each other. Many times, arguments have been escalated because of it. My fiance is a signed hip hop artist and this keeps him very busy. And although I tag along to the numerous events, rehearsals, and studio time, we really don’t get much quality time with one another. If he is not stepping out of the house, many times he is on the phone tending to some conference call or planning the next event. This has been a huge adjustment for me, and has nearly taken me almost 5 years to come to terms with. I’m still learning and trying to find creative ways to get that time in with each other. On the flip side, he is more aware of how much quality time means to me and will plan impromptu dinner and movie dates. In return, I try to be more understanding and supportive of his music career even if it is as simple as me tagging along on a studio session while he does his thing.

A relationship takes understanding and compromise. Once I figured out that my fiance and I have different love languages, arguments occur less. I am mindful not to take it personally when he is too busy to spend quality time with me, and he is mindful to make more of an effort in that department. Somehow, we make it work. We are constantly learning about one another and granting each other patience and grace. Love isn’t always black and white. There are a ton of grey areas, and to find common ground takes an open minded approach. I challenge all of you to find out your love language. How can this be applied in your relationship? Do you think it will help or hinder it? Find out your love language here https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ . Spread love, be kind, be understanding, and learn a thing or two. Happy Wednesday loves!