“There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation.”

– Pamela S. Nadav

Have you ever looked at your child and get the overwhelming urge to cry? And it’s not just a cry of gratitude, you cry because you’re overwhelmed yet relieved. You cry because you’re exhausted. You cry because you never imagined how much you could possibly love someone.

Sahara is growing every single day.

I constantly make jokes about how she was just 9 months old yesterday. And at 18 months old, here she is walking and talking, and developing her own personality and preferences. The tantrums aren’t easy but there’s something so magical about toddlerhood. You catch a glimpse of the person they are going to be. You see the wonder in their eyes when they reach a new milestone, when they’re celebrated for those milestones. It’s enough to make your heart explode.

Sahara and I have a bedtime routine. She usually takes a bath after dinner, she plays a little in the water, she brushes her teeth, I give her a little massage before dressing her in her pajamas, and then I warm up milk for her in her sippy cup. I no longer need to rock her to sleep, she typically talks herself to sleep. But as I was setting up her lullaby in her room, she saw me, got up, and said “ba-ba.” Holding her empty bottle up, I grabbed it and placed it aside. In that moment, she grabbed her blanket and reached out for me. It was such a sweet moment, I couldn’t possibly turn her down. I picked her up and the blanket, and sat in the rocking chair to rock her. It was that moment that I physically felt how much she has grown. Legs dangling over mine, she was no longer my tiny newborn or infant, and my heart broke a little. By the end of the year, I will have a two year old and I’m reminded of how fleeting time is. And yet, I can’t wait to witness more of her growth as I guide her through life.

Motherhood has always been a learning curve for me but God knew.

God knew what my heart truly needed. My little rainbow baby. The one who fills the holes. No one will ever be as beautiful to you as your own child. As I rocked her, fighting back my tears and feeling my heart swell, I thanked God. Because she is truly a gift and I just hope that I always do right by her, that I teach her right from wrong, and what it means to live a life of authenticity, love, forgiveness, and compassion. I hope when she looks back on the memories we shared together, her heart swells too, and that she knows her momma would do anything to protect her and unconditionally love her.

To my new mothers, I know you’re drained and exhausted.

I know you are grieving a version of yourself before the baby and a life you had to give up to raise your baby. I’ve been there, I know that feeling all too well and my grief came in waves. But now after being on the other side of that, I realize how quickly the time has gone by. It’s easy to miss it when you’re in a state of survival. Please cherish the moments; the good, the bad, and the in between. When people say it gets easier, they mean it but not in the sense that you would anticipate. Raising a child is hard, that’s the reality of it. But you adapt and you grow in more ways than you can ever imagine. At some unknown moment, it doesn’t feel so hard anymore. But in the meantime, soak it all up because you can’t ever get this time back.

Author’s Note

I’m sure you’re wondering what I’ve been up to since I have not been posting any blogs. An update will soon come once I am ready. What I can say is that I am finding myself all over again and enjoying being present in each moment. I need to be present, it’s where I’m drawn to right now. Being a wife, a mother, and a career woman while still honoring the desire to write when a monumental feeling stirs within my emotions. Hope you all are doing amazing. Catch up soon. Xo