When I was younger, I was positive that I would have it all figured out by the time I hit 30. I was going to be married, with kids, have my own home, take family vacations at least once a year, and thrive in a career I absolutely loved. As I am currently in the last 5 months of my 29th year, I laugh hysterically at the idea. And then I cry. And then I get annoyed with myself for being so damn emotional. You think you have a certain plan for yourself and you believe you can execute that plan flawlessly. In that moment, you become so comfortable with your life. Plot twist: life senses the complacency and laughs in your face while throwing a slew of obstacles and curve balls. And in this moment, you have a decision to make…do you sink or swim? I’m a magician- I’ve done both this year. Everyday feels like a struggle to swim to the surface, gasping for air…reaching for land. At 29 years old, nothing makes sense. And at some point, I’ve stop looking for explanations. I just…live.
My 28th year was AMAZING. It was a happy time in my life filled with travel, brunch/dinner dates, new friends, new higher paying job, and a WHOLE engagement. I thought “Wow, can it get any better?” I thought for sure the next year would be even greater with all of the blessings that had been bestowed upon me. New Year’s came along… and I don’t know, I didn’t feel excited. There was a sense of dread and urgency in it. In hindsight, maybe it was my intuition mentally preparing me for what was to come.
My 29th birthday in January was the first one I couldn’t afford to travel anywhere, and I’ll admit this bummed me out to a certain degree. But I also had some pretty amazing friends who threw me a surprise party. I quickly realized how spoiled I was and to stop being ungrateful. Trust me, I put myself in check, A LOT. I’m human… Shortly after my birthday, in February, I found out I was pregnant and no, it was not planned. The thought of carrying a child scared the shit out of me. I was in the midst of planning a wedding. I had more travel plans. Financially, I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I had to change my whole lifestyle and I don’t think I was ready. After a few days of initial shock, I accepted it. I told very few people because of obvious reasons- it’s usually best to save announcements after the first trimester since it’s high risk. I prepared for this life change and even got in contact with a realtor to look into buying a house. I wanted my baby to have an environment that he or she could thrive in and have a happy childhood. In March, I went to my first sonogram and found out the baby was abnormal and I would miscarry soon unless I have surgery to physically remove it. And so I did…and then I barricaded myself in the house for weeks. Ashamed, grieving, and self loathing. I still blame myself. There’s not much anyone can say to make me feel better about the situation and NOT blame myself. It’s a harsh realization I’ve come to- I simply need time. I never did follow through with the home buying process. (For anyone who wants to read more about this, check out my post https://angiesoul.home.blog/2019/04/24/my-heart-stopped-the-moment-i-found-out-yours-did/).
Upon my return to work in late March, I’ve noticed a change in my boss’s behavior. Quite frankly, she has made my life at work a living HELL for the past 4 months. Still holding strong until a better opportunity comes along, but it does mentally take a toll on me. We spend so much of our time at work, you know? And constant negativity, day in and day out, is just draining. This situation has caused my anxiety to get worse. Some nights I can’t sleep just because of the dread for the upcoming work day. Sunday nights are the worst. I take it all as it comes because honestly, I have no other choice. Each day completed is a personal victory. (For anyone who would like to read more about this, check out my post https://angiesoul.home.blog/2019/05/29/lost-com/).
In June, a friend of 7 years, decided that we were not friends anymore. There was no real reason behind it. She claimed she felt like this for a while and that we were just going ‘in two separate directions.’ That was heartbreaking. Extremely unexpected. I never saw it coming and in some way, I felt betrayed. She decided upon herself, that OUR friendship was over and didn’t even bother giving it an opportunity to work itself out. With everything I have gone up until this point, my response to her was “I see.” I was stunned. I didn’t have the energy to address it or ask for an explanation. I accepted it and let go.
This year has felt incredibly lonely. People have faded out of my life, friends and family. It feels like I’ve lost a great deal. During this process of healing, I have isolated myself. I have cried more days than I can keep track of. I’ve been angry and confused. I have not been very lovable, and some days I’m not even tolerable. It’s difficult to sit in your pain and accept that there is not much you can do to relieve it. I mean, I try. I eat healthier. I exercise. Meditate. Journal. Paint. Bubble baths with bath salts, heavy on the essential oils. Spend time outside. Hell, I even started a blog in April; a canvas to pour my feelings into. I try it allllll 😀 A lot of the time, especially as of late, I shut off my emotions, merely for survival. Because it’s easier to bury the pain. But when it comes up…man, it’s heart-wrenching and it knocks the wind out of me. In those moments, I just sit with it. Wait it out like it’s a passing storm with its roaring thunder and lightning that illuminates the night sky. Not all days are bad. Some days I am vibrating so high that it seems like I’m glowing; I physically see it. When those days come around, I cherish it. It’s a nice reminder that eventually I will be okay. I might even be…happy lol like on the regular?? What a thought! Until then, I am patient. Patient with the process. Patient with myself. I’ve learned to find the beauty in each day, no matter how minuscule it may be. And as I am writing this, the song ‘Beauty Hurts’ by Jack Be pops up on Spotify. Ironic. I’m back to my travel plans kicking off with Hawaii next month. Super looking forward to that! I’m back to planning the wedding; the venue is booked 🙂 details will come soon. I’ll be looking into therapy; I think it’s safe to say I need it. I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone by being openly vulnerable and being unapologetic about it! Throughout the year, I have felt like I was being punished by the universe. My faith with God has wavered. All of this time I have looked at this year as a conspiracy. A ploy to guarantee my own failure. Realistically, it’s the opposite. I’ve been stripped down to my very core, have shed many layers. It’s a new start. A caterpillar transitioning to a butterfly. As my 29th year begins to approach an end, I’m in awe of myself and my resiliency. I don’t give myself enough credit. I look forward to a new chapter and I welcome a new decade with open arms. If you currently feel like you’re failing at life, or nothing seems to be in your favor, just hold tight. It just might be a blessing in disguise. I’m patiently waiting for mine. And when that day comes, when it all finally makes sense, I’ll be sure to share. Stay easy, friends.